Given the opportunity, Amanda Briggs of Coeur d’Alene, Idaho will change your sexual preference on any profiles you may have and then make fun of you for not being straight. What a sicko.
August 25, 2005
August 23, 2005
Yesterday I was reading a fitness magazine that will remain nameless mainly because I wasn’t paying close enough attention. I should go see what it is though just so I don’t read it again. In one article they interviewed one of those damn Williams tennis girls to give us all tips on how we can have their confidence. Out of control ego != confidence. Besides, do we really need to be creating more women like them? I think not. In another article they suggested a 5 part, personal physical. It went a little something like this
Part 1: Pat your tummy. If it sounds hollow, you might be gassy. See your doctor. An OTC may be the answer you’re looking for.
Now, I patted myself to see what I sounded like. Could have been hollow, could have been solid. I couldn’t tell. Either way, I’m not seeing a medic over it.
Part 2: Take your pulse. If it’s over 100 beats/minute, you may have heart arrhythmia. See your doc.
Or maybe, you’re just really out of shape like me (pre gazelling, of course). I’m pretty sure 100 would be a good heart rate for me…seriously…resting even. I like to consider it exercise without the exercise. I know a lot of people that work damn hard to get their heart working that fast. Mine must just be ambitious.
Part 3: Something to do with checking for genital worts…pass
People get paid for that - with good reason.
Part 4: Touch your forehead. Now your nose. If it hurts, you may have a sinus infection. You ya’ gonna call?! Better to be safe and go with 911.
Part 5: Rub your face in a dog. Itch? Sneeze? You’ve got allergies. You know what to do.
Okay, I maybe made that last one up, but I’m sure it’s just as good as whatever they had. I should go to work as one of their consultants.
August 21, 2005
I was hoping to be everybody’s hero this Christmas season with gifts of special, ice cream holding desks as suggested by Jen, but, alas, the market is failing to deliver. If anybody is successful at finding such a product, please let me know. Better yet, let my employer know.
And since it’s been so long:
JFTOTD - tea tree products
JDCQOTD - “Studies show that having your genitals sliced will have a lasting effect untill adulthood.”
August 16, 2005
The only thing I hate more than reality t.v. is when I actually enjoy a reality program. Because then I am forced to feel like an idiot for finding joy in something I know is pure crap. It happened two summers ago with America’s Next Top Model (season 1) and it happened again tonight with Tommy Lee Goes to College. But really people, how much would it suck to be the tutor they send in when the previous one is too hot? Plus her mission is to be bitchy. Some 15 minutes…For the record though, I have never and will never enjoy The Simple Life or Nanny 911. There are others, but those are the ones I feel most passionate about.
I am discovering these days that that instant frosh. year when I decided it would be a good idea to turn one desk drawer into a full service snack bar was actually quite a bad idea in the long run. I believe my reasoning at the time went something like this:
1. If I am at my desk, I must be doing homework
2. If I am doing homework, then clearly I need study food
3. Gimme gummy snacks, ASAP!
Q.E.D.
So today, my chain of thought is as follows:
1. I am at my desk
2. I am Jessie
3. I deserve candy
Q.E.D.
It’s an admittedly weaker proof, but that’s what I get for joining the math department.
August 14, 2005
I’m sure most everybody is familiar with this classic optical illusion:
Pay particular attention to the old lady. Little did we all know that she’s been hiding out in Missoula all these years. I saw her on my trip to Alby’s this afternoon. She was wearing capris and sort of stumbling through an apartment parking lot on my way there. I was hoping that she’d be gone for my walk home, but I spotted her hanging out in front of an apartment door tossing her head around (and probably peering in windows). I’ll be driving across the street with my car doors locked from now on. She looks like the type that could scale walls, so I might even be locking the upstairs windows tonight.
August 12, 2005
What began as a mere crush on hand sanitizer has quickly developed into a full-fledged love affair. Is it me, or does the beautiful HS smell less like rubbing alcohol and more like spring every day?
It has been claimed, on occassion, that I am something of a snob. I have decided that either (a) it’s a vicious rumor or (b) I’m too snobby to be classified with the other Heathers. Either way, I took a little time recently to experience a couple things that I may have previously avoided. Namely, I finally read some Harry Potter, and I got my hair cut at a joint that specifically does not take appointments. Eek! As for the HP, I don’t get it. As for the hair cut, I claim I’m starting another hair trend is all. If there is anything else you feel I need to humble myself with, let me know - just be nice about it.
August 10, 2005
Resistance is futile. Or is it? I was pretty sure that it was until I started reading The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy and discovered that, long before the Borg, resistance was useless. You’re suspect, Roddenberry.
August 3, 2005
Before I die, I would like to see one thing: the Filet-O-Fish on the dollar menu. Who does McDonald’s think they’re are kidding? While delicious, it is highly overpriced. If they can afford their MSN advertisement, they can certainly afford to cut the price on their fishy goodness. It’s not like it’s quality fish or anything. Come on people.
August 2, 2005
Having now spent nearly 2 days alone, I have reached the following conclusions:
1. It is very obvious whose daughter I am when there is nobody around to make sure my meals consist of foodstuffs other than ice cream and cereal.
2. The wind sounds an awful lot like an intruder late at night, and no about of squeezing The Flops and hiding under covers can change that.
3. Erin was right.
JDCQOTD: “The truth is, somebody always gets hurt worse… every breakup. This time it’s me.”